Why am I soft in the middle?

It's hard to let go of a loved one.

There's a myriad of feelings that go along with seeing someone very close fade away - and it's hard to define exactly whether or not they're purely selfish or not.

Does it hurt because we feel we're losing something, or does it hurt because we altruistically want that person do be well and happy?

I suspect a bit of both, but does it matter? Isn't it natural to react to the threat of an imminent loss? Especially when you've spent nearly 50 years with that person in your life, from birth to middle age...

I find myself looking back at old photographs and instead of happiness at the good times, I find discomfort at the passing of those good times. A gap is opening up in my heart and I can't fill it with any kind of joy, no matter how I try.

I know she's had a hard life, but she's also had her fun times - and that's just life. There is no escaping or avoiding it, so what is the weight on my chest all about and how do I move past it?

My head is full of maudlin thoughts and it's hard to push them to the back and focus on the life part of life and death.

I'm glad I have my family and friends - they're a strength I never thought I'd need... Mr. Independent finds himself looking outwards as well as inwards for support - now there's a novelty!

I love you mum.

I'm grateful for all you've given me and I hope that in some way I have returned a small part of that. I remember all the good times and how much you sacrificed for me.

I'm sorry I can't make things better or easier for you, it's outwith my power now.

But I'll be there for you, beside you, until peace and rest descends. I wish I had more to give.

I am too tired
To move on, or to mind the paths traveled.
Where I find moonlight and gentle breezes,
I shall unload, lay down, and rest in peace.

"Reflections in the Dusk" by Helen Chen