Mum's memorial

CIMG1155
Originally uploaded by Doris Hidd

Scattered ashes at Gran's grave.

Gran died in 1939 (when mum was 12) so needless to say I never knew her, but she was always in mum's heart.

Now they are reunited

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

They say you’ve gone to Heaven,
I know that it is true.
But the longing that’s within my heart
Is just to be with you.

They say you’ve gone to Heaven.
And that I can rely
on everyone around me,
To hold me when I cry.

They say you’ve gone to Heaven.
But where can Heaven be?
It’s every thought of you I have
And all your things I see.

They say you’ve gone to Heaven,
And that the pain will go.
But I know you are here with me
‘cos God has told me so

The strength in family

When a family member dies, there's a RIDICULOUS number of decisions to be made but it's so much easier when you can discuss it as a family - especially when the departed is a parent.

I drew a lot of strength from being with my Brother and Sister at this time - we don't spend much time together normally, it's been nice to just be together joined in purpose and direction.

We've laughed together, cried together, taken care of business together, and that's been such a help. At times I felt sorry for my lovely wife, we were reminiscing about things that she had no knowledge of, but she has been my rock in the background, always there with plenty of hugs and words of love and support - I couldn't do this without her.

So I guess the message for today is love your family if you can and appreciate them if you can. There is an amazing strength in the love of a good family.

We'll need all the strength we can find on Monday, but thankfully even more of the family and friends will be there. We'll get through it.

Goodnight mum. Sleep well. We will always love you. We miss you dreadfully.

Why am I soft in the middle?

It's hard to let go of a loved one.

There's a myriad of feelings that go along with seeing someone very close fade away - and it's hard to define exactly whether or not they're purely selfish or not.

Does it hurt because we feel we're losing something, or does it hurt because we altruistically want that person do be well and happy?

I suspect a bit of both, but does it matter? Isn't it natural to react to the threat of an imminent loss? Especially when you've spent nearly 50 years with that person in your life, from birth to middle age...

I find myself looking back at old photographs and instead of happiness at the good times, I find discomfort at the passing of those good times. A gap is opening up in my heart and I can't fill it with any kind of joy, no matter how I try.

I know she's had a hard life, but she's also had her fun times - and that's just life. There is no escaping or avoiding it, so what is the weight on my chest all about and how do I move past it?

My head is full of maudlin thoughts and it's hard to push them to the back and focus on the life part of life and death.

I'm glad I have my family and friends - they're a strength I never thought I'd need... Mr. Independent finds himself looking outwards as well as inwards for support - now there's a novelty!

I love you mum.

I'm grateful for all you've given me and I hope that in some way I have returned a small part of that. I remember all the good times and how much you sacrificed for me.

I'm sorry I can't make things better or easier for you, it's outwith my power now.

But I'll be there for you, beside you, until peace and rest descends. I wish I had more to give.

I am too tired
To move on, or to mind the paths traveled.
Where I find moonlight and gentle breezes,
I shall unload, lay down, and rest in peace.

"Reflections in the Dusk" by Helen Chen

Christmas - a family time

I love Christmas

There, I've said it. Don't condemn me!

I love the preparation. I love the decarations and celebration. I love the giving of gifts. I love the catching up with family and friends. I love the sheer indulgence. It's once a year, so we should enjoy it!

Yes it's commercial, but it's as commercial as you want it to be. My wife (Hazel) made a load of lovely cards for family and friends. We could have gone to Aldis or Tescos or perhaps made some kind of effort and bought some charity-related cards - but the personal touch is, for us, what it's all about.

I was a bit unsettled when I got odour eaters, deodorant and soap from her in my Christmas stocking... what IS she trying to tell me... hmmmm :)

We spent some time with Mum at the home, helping her open her presents and call the family (photo above). She's no fan of Christmas but she's definitely a fan of family time. Just another day in the life of Cathy.

Merry Xmas everyone!

Cars and their drivers

I've been thinking for sometime (dangerous, I know... sane people go into hiding when I think too hard!).

What is it that apparently changes people when they get into a car (or often worse still, behind a keyboard on a forum)?

Well, I think the answer is that it DOESN'T change people. What you get is someone who is isolated from their environment sufficiently for them to show what a d*ckhead they really are in real life.

It's a sad indightment of humanity that most (yes I said MOST) people are:

• Lacking the basic social skills at a heart-and-soul level.
  Yes they will "do the right thing" when they think someone will judge them and that judgement is likely to impact them, but most people in my experience are actually down at heart ignorant and selfish. Those who really think about and care about others enough to make this world a better place are, in my opinion and assessment, in the low 5%-10%
  
  
• Lacking intelligence
  Some people are good at their jobs, others are good at their hobbies, a small number are plain genius, but few people actually have sufficient overall intelligence to be allowed behind a car steering wheel.
  Why does driving a car require intelligence? Because driving is all about cause and effect, and few people have the foresight or understanding to fully appreciate the "effect" part of their actions.

There's nothing that you or I can do for these poor fools who have no idea that their desire to get to work 5 minutes earlier, or that business meeting or that phone call is actually completely irrelevant in the scheme of life They are deluded that they, and their needs, are in some way important - but the fact of life is that we're all pretty insignificant and disposable, and that NOTHING is worth putting your own safety or others safety at risk.

They don't realise that driving 2 meters off your rear bumper at 70 miles per hour is actually not achieving anything... in their own small world it is achieving some kind of satisfaction that they're "doing something", to get to where they want to be when in actual fact they're causing the whole process to get more difficult, because all you're then doing is taking great delight in holding them up :) Cause and effect - y'see?

The macho male or dimwitted female (yes, ok, stereotypes... but they DO exist) who doesn't even look in your direction before swinging into your lane in front of you has more problems than they care to admit - their tunnel vision is impeding their progress through life as it goes beyond driving, it shows a lack of attention to detail that will see them get to retirement age and wonder what happened... whereas you and I will have a life full of achievement and wonderment.

So when the guy behind you is tailgating, or the guy in front cuts you up, or you see some other idiot doing something equally foolish on the roads... pity them rather than getting angry. It's not their fault they are dimwitted and slow of thought, or lack enough heart to truly love or be loved... that's just the way they are, and perhaps an indightment on their parents and social circle.

So - drive with care and consideration and be a role model to these poor fools... who knows, your good actions might actually show them a new way of behaving. It's unlikely that they've got the mental capacity to grasp such concepts, but you never know - genetic wonders do happen!

Be kind to others. leave plenty of space in front of you (it'll help your passenger (if any) have a comfortable journey as well as relaxing you much more than you could think possible). Set the example and most of all...

Be careful out there, it's a jungle!

:)

New car time

Well - it's that time again.

The old stagecoach has done nearly 100,000 miles, and I'm sure has another 100,000 left in it, but it's starting to show its age. The ESP has a warning light on, the power steering takes a while to start up some mornings and the last MOT had an "advisory note" attached to the back of it telling me it was time to start spending some money.

My old Skoda has done me well, but the search for a new car is never easy. My in-laws have tarred me with the brush of never being able to make a decision (whereas I think they're impulsive - the kind that invariably go into a garage "for a look" and come out with a new car or caravan).

I like to do my research you see. I don't spend money easily and I know what I want.

The Skoda had a range of "toys" that I appreciated - cruise control, heated seats, heated door mirrors, air conditioning, reverse parking sensors, etc etc. but the top of my list of "must haves" are:

• Cruise control - I spend many weekends driving up and down between Scotland and England and it's a painful enough journey (in many ways), but the CC makes the journey a bit more bearable. I can move around and relax by old back/hips/knees.
• Heated seats - being a bit of a nutter, I spend weekends standing in wet, muddy, cold fields shooting arrows at a target, then collecting, then repeating. I've been unfortunate to shoot in temperatures as low as zero degrees, with hailstones battering my face and hands.... there's nothing finer than getting into the car, cold, wet, miserable, putting on the seats and just relaxing of a lunchbreak, or on the way home

Yes I could live without these "toys", but I'm afraid I've come to realise that life is all about the pleasures, and both of these gadgets give me pleasure (or at least ease the pain) in some way.

So - having seen my wife's Hyundai i30 perform admirably over the last year, I decided to go hunting for either that or an Octavia Estate (again, boot space is a premium for me as my sport requires me to cart around a ridiculous amount of "stuff" when I compete - even worse when my wife is competing too!)

Not many Octavia's took my fancy, but doing my research I found that the 2-litre i30 Premium had both of my must haves plus a range of other toys... such as leather heated seats, climate control, nice big alloys, six speed gearbox, buketload of airbags, typre pressure monitor, reverse parking sensors, rain sensor, light sensor, auto dimming rear-view mirror, electronic stability control, RDS radio AND an iPod/MP3/Flash memory stick connector for plenty of music options on those long drives south (and north). Toy heaven or what? PLUS the balance of a five year warranty to boot.

So - went in to test drive last Saturday, chucked it around the local roads and motorways for half an hour and half an hour later I'd bought it!

Who says I can't make a decision!?

So... I pick up my year and a half-old i30 with 9,000 miles on the clock next saturday and awaaaay we go! Here's hoping it's as reliable as the Fabia was... I'll miss that old car (in fact it's probably the first car I've had in a decade that I will miss).

Feeling the fear, and doing it anyway

I got a book a while ago entitled "Feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers.

Susan has written many other books (Dare to Connect, the Little book of confidence, end the struggle and dance with life, etc, etc,) - none of which I've read.

Like many of my non-fiction library I read a bit and put it down, but recently packed it again on one of my trips abroad for in-flight entertainment.

The reason I packed it is that I have had lots of in-depth conversations over the last year with my sports psychologist and more recently with a business coach. Many or most of these discussions have revolved around my self confidence (or lack thereof), my trust in myself (or lack thereof) and most recently my desire to flee from difficult interpersonal situations (mainly people issues).

You see, life is made up of a jumble of fear and desire (see Maslow's hierarchy of needs), and the ensuing battle of one over the other. This battle, and the connection between innate and learned behaviours and beliefs fascinates me. Armchair psychologists spend many a happy hour discussing whether certain behaviours are innate or learned, but the bottom line is that for many people, it is fear which predicts the bulk of their negative actions.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway" encourages the reader to do just that, by a series of non-psychology-babble common sense statements and interjections, punctuated by examples which seem all-too convenient to be entirely real! However, what the book does do is offer an insight into an alternative way of responding to the feelings we inevitably have to face, and an alternative way of viewing the options available to us.

A very interesting read, if a little light... more psychoabble to follow once I've finished it!