Well, I'm now on the care home trail. Shorlisted six in the area and saw three of those yesterday.

I even plucked up the courage to show mum the handbook with all the homes in it. She seemed resigned to the fact, but tomorrow she may have forgotten and we start again. In some ways I'm glad I don't know what she's saying as it might just break my heart...

Walking into her house is hard enough, when she's not there and I know she won't be back. Surrounded by her belongings, her life, her feelings and emotions, her friends and family photos... and she'll never see most of it again.

I must find some way to cheer up this blog, it's getting depressing!

When parents get old

We go through life ignoring our parents are getting older, until the time when we can no longer ignore it. When my father died it was like a bolt out of the blue. We'd been waiting for him to fall off his perch for years, but never really took it too seriously until one day he was gone. I wish I'd known him better and spent time listening to his stories.

Now that my mother is infirm and spending her days in hospital, I can't communicate with her either thanks to the stroke that took her speech and her ability to read or write, her ability to focus and concentrate. It seems like some bizarre joke, but no-one's laughing. Three years on from the day she had the stroke, life gets harder for her.

She didn't want to live before the stroke, especially after her partner and friend died and took her last hope for happiness away, now I look into her sad eyes and feel her pain so acutely. I can see her deep, deep sadness, I feel her heart reaching out saying "please don't do this to me god".

Before I left for Arizona, I went to see her. As I left the hospital room I looked through the window at her - her eyes looked at me but she saw nothing. I saw and felt her sadness and hopelessness more acutely than ever and I cried most of the way home.

If there is a god, then he really does not care for everyone as he is alleged to. She spent her life caring for everyone around her, especially me, and now in her hour of need, no-one can care for her in the way she needs. It's very very unfair.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Well, last year was a tough year and I wondered if I should be continuing with the struggle, but this year seems different - very different. I can see potential and promise. I can see improvement and have more self-awareness and understanding than ever before. There's much to do, much work ahead but it might just be worth it after all...