Well, homes selected, and mum moved in yesterday. Sad, very sad. It's a lovely environment, but her heart is breaking at the realisation that this is it. End of the line. No more going home to the place she shared with her father and with me while I was growing up.
We went into the house and cleared out a lot of stuff last weekend. 8 of us milling around going through possessions and making judgments about what to keep and what to get rid of. It was hard, and particularly hard when some of those there didn't actually know mum that well (mainly because they're grandchildren and great grandchildren) ... there were times when I just wanted to tell them to go, but I know they were only trying to help.
As the house gets emptier and emptier, the light at the end of the tunnel just gets duller and duller.
I do wonder what will become of me as I reach an old age. I am the youngest of my family but a significant margin and therefore expect to outlive them (life, of course may have other ideas...) , they also have a line of children and grandchildren to look after their needs and interests, but there's just me and the wife... no kids, no-one who will be around to really give a damn in 30 years time.
Will I become a burden on my wife? Will I be able to walk or be confined to a wheelchair? Will I be healthy and fit or a physical wreck? Will I have my mental faculties or be a babbling fool?
When one reaches middle age and beyond, the weight of ones own mortality can be heavy. I have a future ahead of me of watching my loved ones wither and fade and no children to help me see the point of what I've achieved in my life...
Depressing? Could be, or I could simply deal with everything a day at a time and stop wondering "what if?". Now is a good time to look forward and plan - what is it I really want to achieve? How do I want to make my mark? Before it's too late...
